My love cycle

Gimana ya.

Gue bingung. Gue udah coba pegangan tapi tetep aja gue bingung. Gue ga pernah pacaran, dan kalopun gue suka sama orang, jarang banget yang bisa berkembang sampe menjadi “sesuatu.” Karena biasanya di tengah masa-masa PDKT itu, gue bisa tiba-tiba memutuskan buat I’ve had enough. Dan gue ninggalin si cowo. Siklusnya selalu sama. Awalnya menggebu-gebu, lama-lama jadi cair sendiri. Dan gue bingung.

Kayaknya ada anak Sanggar yang suka sama gue. Well, not that he has confessed it to me, but through his actions and words, I know he does. Cowo ini ga satu kampus sama gue, as I’ve told you on my previous post. Dan kesempatan buat ketemu ya cuma beberapa jam dalam sehari. Tapi kita ketemunya setiap hari full selama seminggu. Jadi gue berasumsi ini cinlok (lagi dan lagi). Gue ga benci, ga suka juga. Biasa aja. Gue nganggepnya kayak kakak gue sendiri lah. Soalnya dia enam taun lebih tua dari gue. Jadi gue lebih didominasi rasa respect kalo sama dia.

Yang gue bingung, dia makin hari makin nunjukin affection itu ke gue. Dan gue gamau :” Gue ill feel. Gue udah jenuh sama dia yang selalu ngikutin gue, selalu kasih perhatian ke gue. It was wonderful at first. But then, ketika gue sampe di titik itu, titik I’ve had enough, momen yang wonderful itu jadi berubah ke ill feel. I just want to get rid of him.

Ugh. But he’s older than me. And how should I say it straight to him without making him feel terrible? :(

Point taken

Just a few days ago I found the biggest reason why I was never tied down into any relationship with a boy before. It’s because I’ve spent way too long being single and years of managing everything by myself makes me “allergic” to any kind of display of affection people try to show me. So that’s that. I am this independent girl who knows what she wants and does everything herself. So when I’m with my crush, I become really dependent. Which I really hate to see. That’s why I never have a boyfriend. Because being tied down into a relationship changes me into someone who I hate to be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna have one.

Recently I’ve been really active on my brand new little family in college. Oh you know about it. I keep flooding my Instagram and Path with the updates of me practicing for theater’s upcoming event. And so, there’s this one boy (or man?) who happens to be my semi-coach. He comes from a different college from mine and our chance to see each other is when we hold the practice only. So you can imagine we only speak four to five hours a day and then we’ll say goodbye and face our own life again the next day. And, honestly, I didn’t see it coming.

Two days ago I went straight from my guest house to college to start the practice because our director said it would be started at five (lies, the practice always gets delayed for an hour). And because he’s not from the same college with me, he usually comes late. And that day was no different. We warmed up before he came and I waited for him because he’s my coach, so without him, I don’t know what to do.

He came an hour later, and I smiled at him out of the blue. I extended my arms and he grabbed them. It was that moment when I felt really weird. He didn’t shake them, he just held it. His thumb brushed against the back of my hand as if trying to soothe me.

Instead of practicing, the surrealist actors gathered around in a small talk. I became the center of attention because I told them I actually have a house here in Jogja but still I don’t live in there and stayed at the guest house near college because I think it’s better that way. Plus, it saves more time. And they all “mock” me for not using the house, haha. They told me if my family would give the house for a rent, they would definitely go for it. But I took it as a joke. We spent the rest of the practice by keep talking to each other. And once in a while, I paid attention on how this boy (or, okay, man) looked at me for a brief few seconds. Many times.

When the whole team decided that it was time to leave, this man offered me his water and I accepted it. I drank a few times before returning the bottle and when I looked away to another side, I just realized someone touched and grabbed my right hand. Well, I keep them on my sides all the time and because I’m single, no one has really touched them. I didn’t quickly swung my head to look who held my hands, but from the way the other’s limb grasped on mine, I knew who it belonged to. And so I just let him do that, had my fingers intertwined with his. And for a few moment there, I felt safe and protected. I could feel the warmth and kindness. It was amazing. It felt amazing to have my hands held so dearly.

It didn’t turn out awkward like I imagined it would be. In fact, I became quite addicted with the feeling. And so when the next day approached and we were scheduled for another practice, I tried to hold his hand in every chances.

But then here comes the thought. One of my senior who is also a friend of his, told me that he liked me. And I was scared. Why am I scared? Isn’t this what I’ve been dreaming for? But really, I feel scared. Like if you ask me about my feeling towards him, I will definitely say the same thing. I like that guy. He shows me a beautiful display of affection and he takes care of me really well. But on the other hand. I think about what my parents and friends would way if I date someone six years older than me. There you have it. He’s really old, don’t you think? I mean, if I have my choices, I will still choose to date someone as old as I am.

And I wonder… why do I think too much when it comes to relationship? Is it because the lack of experience? I always think too much. I never know how to deal with the affection and sweet treats. I’m completely helpless about my love life yet I want to have one. But too scared to start.

But I don’t wanna rush things. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. If the time is right, the right guy will come along. I don’t mind waiting for another year. If that means waiting for the “right guy,” then I don’t mind even if I have to walk across the mountains and write tons of essays.

If you never try, you never know

Judul klasik banget, ya ga sih? Yang kalo kata orang, jangan bilang kamu ga bisa kalo belum nyoba. Tapi trus kalo udah nyoba dan ternyata ga bisa juga, itu lebih sedih lagi sih. Knowing that you’re not destined to do that one damn thing. Jadi ketika gue mulai aktif kuliah, gue langsung bertekad bahwa di sini gue harus bisa menemukan bakat-bakat gue lainnya yang terpendam. And I’m on my way right now.

Kalian pasti tau banget gimana gue. Gue orangnya “sastra” banget. Jadi walaupun sekarang gue kuliah suatu jurusan yang kalo kata orang sih, kaku, gue tetep berusaha nyari wadah tempat gue menyalurkan hobi dan bakat gue ini dalam bidang seni. Dan hamdalah, ternyata di fhugm ada LO yang namanya Sanggar. Gue seneng banget. Awalnya sih ga terlalu gimana-gimana sama LO ini. Gue kayak yang biasa aja gitu ga ada impression yang wah banget. Tapi abis gue liat Dancer Soul (nama tim dance dari Sanggar) nari rancak di penutupan PPSMB Merdeka (di mana salah satu kakak pemandu gue juga ikut nari) gue jadi pengen banget masuk Sanggar. Singkat cerita, begitu Sanggar melangsungkan oprec, gue langsung without hesitation applied to be one of them. Dan gue lumayan bangga ya, ketika temen-temen gue ngebet banget pengen ikut LO lain yang berbau “hukum banget” macem Dema Justicia, Mahkamah, ALSA dan semua embel-embelnya, gue justru mau banget masuk Sanggar. Dan ada juga temen gue yang ga percaya gue mau masuk Sanggar haha. Well, it’s about time sih.

Dan di Sanggar fhugm ini ada beberapa divisi; musik, sastra, tari, teater, sama seni rupa. Gue jelas-jelas nomer satu apply buat seni rupa karena gue emang udah bertahun-tahun bersanding sama dunia seni rupa sampe udah ga inget lagi kapan pertama kali gue kenalan sama SR #tsaaah. Tapi trus kan ga asik ya kalo ga ambil divisi lain, dan gue takutya bosen aja, takut ga ada kerjaan juga masuk divisi SR. Pas gue tanya boleh ambil divisi lebih satu atau ga, ternyata boleh, sama sekali ga ada batasan divisi di Sanggar. Gue seneng banget. Akhirnya gue memutuskan buat ambil satu divisi lagi sebagai minor gue, yaitu divisi tari. Lho, emang lo bisa nari, Din? Haha, few to know I used to dance a lot when I was still a kid. I danced traditional dance most of the time until the age of 12, then I stopped because somehow I lost the passion and was focusing on applied art instead. I abandoned my dancing shoes for years. Dan di kesempatan kali ini, gue pengen balik lagi ke dunia tari. Ya walaupun bukan buat profesional, tapi gue kangen nari. Kangen nunjukin sebuah performance yang bagus di atas panggung, di depan pandangan banyak orang. I long for that amazing feeling for once more. Jadi gue di Sanggar ambil divisi seni rupa dan tari :)

Tapiiii, ternyata perjalanan gue ga sampe situ doang. Somehow I find myself in the middle of practicing my theatrical talent that I never happen to discover. Gue dan beberapa temen angkatan gue ikut ngeramein buat acara teater Sanggar. Dan believe it or not, gue bener-bener kayak yang bingung campur deg-degan gitu karena gue sama sekali ga ada pengalaman di teater. Gue bahkan ga berniat masuk divisi itu karena gue memang gabisa akting. Gue gabisa menunjukan emosi gue dan membuat orang lain jadi terpengaruh. Gue sama sekali ga ada bakat di teater. Tapi tiba-tiba, gue masuk ke project ini dan gue sekarang bingung gimana bisa gue menampilkan penampilan gue yang terbaik di depan umum tanpa mempermalukan gue dan fakultas gue sendiri… Can I really do that?

Sekarang balik lagi ke judul, if you never try, you never know. Really? Really. Mungkin karena selama ini gue belum pernah nyoba, atau mungkin gue terlalu takut buat mencoba. Gue memang agak ga pede kalo harus berakting di depan umum. Apalagi ini teater men, bukan sinetron. Teater itu dunia yang lebih suci dari drama layar kaca ataupun film bioskop. Gue gatau apa gue mampu atau ga. Apalagi gue masih maba, gue bener-bener gatau harus ngapain di teater ini. Gue gamau mengacaukan kerja keras kating gue sebelum gue datang. So I hope you guys would pray for this project to be a successful one ><

PPSMB 2014

Hi guys. Wah lama banget ya gue ga update apa-apa di sini. Ya as you know sekarang gue udah pindah domisili dari Jakarta ke Jogja. Dan percaya ga sampe sekarang gue bahkan belum pindah ke kost-an dan masih stay di rumah gue yang di Jogja for the sake of the TV cable #yha. Ga deng, canda. Gue sempet ga nemu kost yang gue mau karena well I’m an uptown girl, told you. Dan Jogja tuh kalo siang puanasnyaaaa pol banget udah kayak matahari jadi lima dan jam 8 pagi tuh udah bisa berasa kayak jam 12 siang tau gak sih??? Crazy banget, makanya gue nyari kost-an yang pake AC. Tapi ya gitu nyokap kayak gamau ngasih gue fasilitas karena takutnya kakak gue iri karena dia aja ga pake masa gue pake gitu. Bleh. Padahal gue aja ragu kakak gue bakal spare his thought for me.

Cerita apa ya enaknya…

Cerita ospek kampus gue aja gimana?

Yak jadi di UGM itu ga ada yang namanya ospek atau OMB / OBM atau apalah itu. Sekarang di UGM namanya udah beda diganti jadi PPSMB. Ya aslinya sih sama aja kayak ospek cuma karena nama ‘ospek’ itu sendiri kesannya udah kayak negatif banget, jadi timbulah inisiatif buat bikin nama baru di UGM. Gue lupa apa kepanjangan PPSMB lol maaf ya, ya gitu deh lo semua tau ingatan gue udah kayak ikan koki #yha. Kalo di UI ospek itu bisa sampe satu semester atau bahkan lasts for the entire freshman year, di UGM ga kayak gitu. PPSMB cuma berlangsung selama seminggu, dan itu udah termasuk sama ospek tingkat universitas. Detailnya dua hari buat univ, dua hari buat fakultas (satu buat fakultas dan satu buat jurusan kalo fakultasnya membawahi beberapa jurusan, except for me karena FH ga ada jurusan apa-apa selain ilmu hukum), dua hari buat soft skill, dan sehari terakhir buat closing ceremony. Cepet kan? ;)

Semua temen-temen gue tahu gimana sifat gue yang ga suka with the idea of galak-galakan pas ospek. Gue punya trauma sama sesi marah-marah pas ospek sampe waktu ospek SMA gue pernah bohong bilang gue sakit parah biar bisa dikeluarin dari kelas pas sesi marah-marahnya mulai HAHA ah tapi ya gue memang beneran ada sakit sih cuma ga parah gitu. Seenggaknya gue ga perlu kena omel. Tapi jangan ditiru ya guys gue cuma males aja gitu wong ga salah apa-apa kok ikut dimarahin yo aku ora sudi yo sori~ Makanya pas PPSMB udah mau dimulai, gue tuh kayak cemas sendiri bakalan kayak apa ospeknya because of my trauma. Ternyata eh ternyata coy. Baru kali ini gue ospek ga ngerasa kayak ospek. Ospek apaan isinya dua hari full ketawa ketiwi dari jam 7 pagi sampe jam 4 sore…? Gue udah ga ngerti lagi karena ini juga di luar ekspektasi gue kalo PPSMB bakal seceria ini :”) PPSMB universitas tuh isinya cuma pengenalan kampus, sarana dan prasarana, diskusi tugas, main quiz, main trek, main apalah terserah pesertanya, panitia malah cuma ikut-ikut wakakakak. Mana kofas gue tuh kayak demen banget modus gitu haha ah kocak dah pokoknya sama sekali ga ada bentak-bentakan buat PPSMB universitas. Paling cuma teriakan kayak “GAMADA LARI SEKARANG JUGAAAAAA, YANG CEPET JALANNYAAA, KALIAN LIHAT YANG TEHNIK JAUH, LARI SEKARAAAANG.”

Dan itu harus lari dari Grha Sabha Pramana ke fakultas tempat lo ditempatkan. Untungnya sih gue dapet di FIB dan itu di arah timurnya GSP jadi cuma ngesot dikit langsung nyampe. Selebihnya ga ada marah-marah atau bentak-bentakan dan kalopun kakaknya ada yang teriak gitu sih masih di batas wajar menurut gue. Makanya gue kaget, PPSMB tingkat univ enak banget aseli…

And then, pas udah di hari terakhir PPSMB univ, gue langsung terbayang sama PPSMB fakultas.

Men, temen-temen gue aja bilang fakultas gue tuh kayak yang paling berat gitu ujian psikisnya. Gue langsung gabisa senyum seharian lol, cuma bisa kepikiran gimana nasib gue pas PPSMB fakultas. Jadi pas TM buat PPSMB FH, gue kira bakal woles-woles aja yaelah kan baru TM masa iya udah dibuat stress. Eh ternyata pemikiran gue salah. Bahkan dari sejak TM, sekdis udah dilepas di sana dan udah dihadapkan sama para maba. Gue langsung merinding. Gue ga kuat kan sama yang keras-keras suka marah-marahin gitu. Sampe akhirnya gue telepon kakak gue dan dia bilang ga apa-apa, emang sih ospeknya bisa keras banget, dan buat kakak-kakak sekdisnya emang itu tugas mereka buat marah-marah tapi kakak gue berhasil meyakinkan gue bahwa apapun emosi yang ditunjukkan sekdis pas PPSMB itu cuma bercanda and they don’t mean it. Yang penting sih jangan diambil hati dan fokus sama tugas aja. Ga perlu takut sama sekdis kalo kerjaan kita udah bener.

Di hari pertama PPSMB fakultas, kelompok gue udah pontang panting ngumpul sebelum berangkat bareng ke fakultas. Banyak banget yang dateng telat dan atributnya ga lengkap sampe-sampe salah satu anggota kelompok gue ada yang kena pelanggaran berat dan akhirnya harus disidang di depan umum. Iya coy, sidang beneran ada hakim ada jaksa ada penasehat hukum. Gue ga ngerti lagi dah pokoknya. Dan naasnya tuh yang kena ya kelompok gue (plis omg H-1 udh diwanti2 jgn sampe kena sidang atau diculik sekdis) (tp kenapa kalian ga mau denger sihhh???)

Tapi jujur, tanpa ada sekdis, sesi marah-marah, sama sidang terbuka kayak gitu, PPSMB Merdeka kayaknya bakal ngebosenin bgt. Soalnya isinya cuma dengerin pembicara dari tokoh-tokoh gitu. Dan gue tetep feel honored karena bisa liat jubir KPK sama Bu Risma dari jarak seonggok nafas :”) Coba kalo ada Anies Baswedan huhu gue langsung starstruck kayaknya.

Btw, di sini gue belajar sesuatu. Yang sebetulnya ga bakal gue terapkan di kehidupan sebenarnya. Selama PPSMB, gue belajar bahwa fakultas ini memandang bahwa keseragaman itu lebih baik daripada lo bener tapi cuma bener sendiri. Gue ga ngerti. Gue udah ngerjain tugas berdasar apa yang disuruh di petunjuk tugas. Udah bener. Tapi karena temen gue ada yang salah, trus kita dibilang ga ada rasa persaudaraannya. Duh plis kalo temen gue nanti disidang, gue juga harus disidang? Kalo temen gue dapet nilai D, gue juga harus dpt nilai D? Kalo temen gue di-DO, gue juga harus kena DO? Sekdis tuh menekankan nilai persaudaraan ini banget dan gue eneg :”

Tapi over all, lumayan lah ya. Gue juga ga sampe pingsan pas dimarah-marahin. Biasanya sih udah hampir sakaratul maut kalo gue stress gitu. Untung kmrn ga knp-knp.

I’d like to call him a ‘devil in disguise’

Gue perlu konsultasi ke psikiater kayaknya.

I need to report about my hateful behavior towards my little brother. And it’s getting crazier each day because now everytime his whole figure gets into my sight, I start bombarding him with filthy words and shameful actions to get rid of him. Got it?

Kalo ada yang nanya kenapa gue sebegitu jahatnya sama adek gue, I don’t even know why. Dulu kayaknya gue ga benci benci banget sama dia. I remember we played Playstation together kalo nyokap lagi belanja bulanan ke mall dan gue ditugasin buat jagain dia di rumah. Well, waktu itu sih adek gue masih bayi jadi gue ya mau mau aja. But we weren’t so conflicted like we are now. Gatau aja tiba tiba ketika gue beranjak remaja, I find his presence utterly annoying and disgusting. Sejak saat itu, ga ada satu hari di rumah tanpa suara ribut ribut teriak antara gue dan adek gue.

I’m still trying to figure out where this hatred comes from. I mean, there must be a source to it, right? I can’t just hate him with no reason. Or so I thought. Tapi kayak yang pernah gue bilang, kekesalan gue sama adek gue yang paling utama mungkin datang dari sikap orangtua yang beda banget antara gue sama dia. No before you judge me as a childish bastard, lemme explain a few things. Gue pernah nyindir adek gue bahwa dia sama sekali ga berprestasi and he should be ashamed of himself because of that. Tapi abis itu gue yang jadinya dimarahin sama nyokap gue, say gue ga boleh lah ngungkit ngungkit kelemahan dia.

Now that’s where you go wrong, mom.

Pardon me for talking back, tapi for God’s sake, gue waktu kelas 3 SD udah jadi juara umum satu sekolahan. I won numerous drawing competition baik di lingkungan rumah, sekolah, ataupun lingkungan luar. Gue selalu ikut lomba melukis dan trophy gue berjejer di rumah. I have so many good things happening when I was his age.

Dan sekarang dia udah kelas 6 SD, dan nyokap gue bilang, “Your brother doesn’t know yet what he wants to become. There’s no need for you to push him around. Leave him alone.” Oh sorry but lemme remind you that I’ve had this wild dream of being the minister of foreign affairs since I was still in fifth grade.

We’re siblings, yet we’re so different! Apa ga cukup gitu influence yang gue tularkan ke dia?? Hanya karena dia masih kecil, ga menutup kemungkinan buat dia buat bermimpi dong. That is if he was normal. I think he’s not normal. I hope he’s not normal. My parents treat him oh so dearly while I had to struggle all along when I was his age. I had to be on top of my class, pushed around to be the winner of a competition, and even I had to make sure I don’t lay rotten score in my report card.

HE DOESN’T DO WHAT I DID. OR MY OLDER BROTHER DID.

I don’t see the just in it.

Maybe that’s why I hate him so much. Ugh, gilak gue benci banget sama adek gue I feel like shoving him with knifes all over his face.

Girls In The City 6, Destination: TMII

This is what happen when I love a song too much it hurts

Yak, once again, gue bikin songfic. Fanfic yang inspired by a song. Lagu yang jadi korban kali ini adalah Scarborough Fair originally sung by Simon & Garfunkel. Tapi gue lebih prefer versi Sarah Brightman. Gue suka tiba-tiba denger lagu di toko buku trus jadi suka dan langsung google lagunya. This time, gue lagi nyari perlengkapan ospek sama Tara di Intermedia deket rumah. Pas lagi muter-muter, gue denger speakernya mainin lagu enak banget sumpah itu kayak lagu tidur, totally my type of song. Gue langsung suruh Tara buat pake hape dia biar bisa mindai lagunya biar tahu judulnya apa. Eh sempet lama banget tuh ga keluar-keluar namanya. Dan pas banget pas lagunya berhenti main, judulnya keluar (yeaaah!) dan tulisannya pake huruf Cina.

Perasaan tadi liriknya bahasa Inggris.

Apa perasaan doang.

Akhirnya gue suruh Tara screencap dan kirim judulnya ke gue soalnya di hape gue ada aplikasi buat scan gambar gitu trus tulisan Cinanya bisa dibaca. Sampe rumah langsung gue scan dan search di Google. Yang keluar artikel tulisa Cina smua buset dan gue klik aja satu-satu. Semuanya kalo dibaca kasar bunyinya jadi “Shikabaoluo blablabla” which means “Scarborough Fair.” Pas gue search lagi, ternyata ini bukan sembarang lagu karena it’s a traditional ballad and has been there since the 60s. Menceritakan tentang cowok yang meminta 3 hal mustahil buat seorang cewek kalo cewek itu mau jadi kekasihnya.

Anjir, sadoy ga sih itu. Kayak Sangkuriang sama Dewi Sumbi. #plakk

Dan gue jadi berandai-andai lagu itu kalo dibikin cerita asik kali ya. Lalu mulailah gue yang penuh dengan ketidaksadaran diri bukannya ngerjain tugas ospek malah bikin fanfic baru haha dor. Gue memutuskan buat bikin cerita ini jadi one shot tapi dipisah beberapa segment. Here are a snippet of each segment!

001

[…]

Yixing could see the asked guy’s corner lip was turning upright. He could see the slight row of white teeth behind those lips. Yifan couldn’t help but to smile. Everytime he thought about that place, he would always smile. Even sometimes, the imagination would paint his cheeks red. He threw another glance towards the roofs of the houses outside the train. It was starting to rain.

“So?” Jongdae pestered him.

Yixing was about to hold back the younger when Yifan flashed him a warm look.

“I’m going to Scarborough Fair.”

002

[…]

Yifan was staring at him in awe. He didn’t expect to meet a Chinese this soon upon his arrival in York. Maybe this shop was the one in his paper, but he hadn’t seen his friend here. Their conversation was interrupted when a voice embarked from the room behind the shop calling for Zitao.

“That’s father. Look, I gotta run. And you have to leave before he knows there’s a stray in the shop,” Zitao quickly snapped the cup from Yifan’s grip and helped him to pack his stuffs—which was only his guitar sack—and slowly pushed him out of the shop. Yifan could see the apologetic expression on the younger boy’s face.

“I’m so sorry. But the cold isn’t that bad in the morning. Just make sure you get a place to stay at night because that’s the time where your life is in danger.”

[…]

003

[…]

“I didn’t remember you being so famous like this,” Yifan sneered.

“Haha, yeah right. Lots of things happened, handsome. I guess puberty did it to me.”

“Right. You look really great, by the way, if nobody has ever told you that.”

“Don’t worry,” Jongin smirked. “they already have.”

[…]

004

[…]

“So what are you going to do?”

Yifan stopped in front of a wolf miniature made of wood. He stared at the wolf while thinking about his house mate’s question. After knowing that his hope to audition in York was almost gone, Yifan honestly had no idea what he was going to do now. He didn’t have a job, a place to live (well but he couldn’t live with Jongin forever, could he?), and Yifan certainly couldn’t stand the cold.

“I guess I’ll be going back home then,” he spoke halfheartedly. With what, money? Yifan had no money left. His last money was spent to fund his way from Guangzhou to York.

[…]

005 to be continued.

Gue ga kena writer’s block. Kali ini gue nulis bener-bener dari hati dan berusaha buat ga ngelantur kemana-mana. Gue nulis apa yang ada di kepala gue, gimana gue mengimajinasikannya, I want the reader to feel what I feel in this song.

So, what do you think?

1 month ago ▴ [919 notes] ▴ reblog

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